So... Has anyone ever been subjected to Femdom... accidentally?
I'm curious. I'd like to hear about it. Any bit of Femdom will qualify.
Here's one of my many incidents:
A few years ago, I was in Las Vegas for a work convention. I had long hair at the time. As soon as the (female) Uber driver picked me up she looked at me in the rear view mirror and said "Hey ya know... Pot is legal here. I can totally hook you up."
Apparently, this was right after the laws were changed. I didn't know it was legal here. So... If you were me, what would you say to that?
I said something like "Oh. Good to know."
I'm not particularly a pot head... But when in Rome...
"Yeah. Here's my card," she said. "And ya know... Anything else you need while you are here... Women... Ya know... girls... or whatever... I know people."
"Oh cool."
I mean... What the best answer here?
So I did the stupid trade show, but on my last night in Vegas I thought I might have some fun. I've heard of those Asian massage places where you get a massage and at the end they give you a 'happy ending'.
I've never had one of those. Not that I needed one. But... Ya know... Sometimes you just gotta say "what the fuck?" AmIRight? I think Joel Goodson would agree.
So.... I call the Uber driver. "I'm thinking about getting some gummies or something and going to one of those massage parlors..." I don't even finish my sentence. She interrupts, "Yeah. I know a great place. When do you want to go?"
"Now."
"Ok. I'll pick you up in ten minutes."
Fifteen minutes later I'm in some Asian massage place. Its not completely tacky, but its not exactly 'top of the line.'
A very petite Asian woman greets us. I can only understand like 30% of what she says, her accent was pretty thick.
This is not racist or anything. Sorry if it sounds that way. I was born and raised in the Midwest, my brain just can't seem to parse certain accents. No idea why. Just one of those things. I wish it wasn't this way... but here we are.
I'm taken back to a massage room of this parlor. The Asian woman led me here and told me to get on the table. I ask "should I get naked?"
She looks at me like I'm a fucking idiot. She eventually nods and points to the clothing hooks on the wall.
I get naked and lay on the table face down, and... I dunno... put a towel over to cover my ass? I don't know why. It seemed like the right thing to do.
I lay there. I hear the blurbling of some sort of "water feature" that was likely purchased on Amazon for 10 bucks. Its a pile of rocks in a bowl with a water pump that regurgitates water in some vain attempt to emulate a babbling brook. Also there is pan flute music playing. I guess this is supposed to be relaxing?
The woman returns. She couldn't have weighed 100 lbs if she were soaking wet and holding a bowling ball. She was a very petite Asian woman.
Without asking for any consent, or really saying anything, she jumps barefoot on my back and just starts walking around.
I suppose if I had a job where every day I used a pick-axe to bust up concrete (not that there's anything wrong with that) I would have very cramped muscles and would have very much enjoyed her bare feet and full body weight digging into my flesh.
However, I'm a computer programmer. The most strenuous workout my back gets is moving my arm from the keyboard to the mouse. So, I really don't need a 90 pound woman to dig her bare feet into it. Not that I was complaining too much...
But her jumping around on my back kinda hurt. A lot.
I have to tense up my back muscles just to keep her from dislocating my shoulders. Isn't this shit supposed to be relaxing?
Anyway...
Just as I am considering saying something to her about this - her phone rings.
And... she answers it.
Remember earlier when I said I spoke English and little else? She answered the phone in what I presumed was Mandarin.
My knowledge of Mandarin is almost zero. Really, I only seem to know the phrase "Ni Hao" from the cartoon "Ni Hao Ki Lan" which was some bullshit they had on Nickelodeon when my kids were little.
The interesting about that show? It literally is a cheap Chinese ripoff of Dora The Explorer, which is funny to me, but really warrants a completely different post...
Anyway...
The woman trying to dislocate my spine answers the phone... Says something in Mandarin... I'm assuming some sort of standard greeting you say if you are Chinese. The guy calling answers back.
The best part? I can hear the whole conversation - except I can understand NONE of it. Not a goddamn word.
BUT... I know dejection and despondency when I hear it. Whoever called this woman was a dude. And, whatever he said sounded like a man who had been brow beaten over years and years... his voice was weary... and drained... almost to death.
He told her something he knew would make her upset. The hesitation in his voice was apparent. His worry just coated everything he said.
She quickly asked a very important question.
He responded like he *knew* he was going to be fucked with, but he *knew* it would be worse if he didn't come clean and tell her.
She fucking chastised him vehemently. The bitterness and vitriol in her voice was obvious.
He replied, feeling attacked, but *knew * he HAD to answer her and give her the truth because she was going to find out anyway. His voice was dejected and resigned to horror as anyone I've ever heard.
Whatever he said pissed her the fuck off.
Granted I had NO IDEA what he said... No idea what they were talking about.
They could have been talking about something trivial, like they were out of dish soap, again. Or that he forgot to buy the tampons she told him to buy for her, or he forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer so it would be thawed when she got home. Or maybe... he gambled again against her wishes because this is Vegas and he can't get his addiction under fucking control and he lost all of their savings and the kid's college money because he's a total fuck head.
She just started yelling at him. On the phone. On my back. In Mandarin.
And she was so pissed off, she started jumping up and down on my back, harder. There were some solid kicks to my trapezius, deltoids, and latissimus muscles. With a vengeance. It took all I had to tighten up and protect my spine.
The poor bastard that called her got berated and yelled at non fucking stop.
In Mandarin. Or whatever. I've no idea. But this poor bastard dude was getting his ass totally chewed out by some pissed off, firecracker of a woman. I've heard the tones THOUSANDS of times.
Apparently the actual words don't matter - the vocal inflection must be universally global. This must be a human thing.
She kept stomping and kicking.
Until I started groaning (and laughing a little) that she remembered what she was actually being paid to do. Her stomping stopped.
She yelled at the poor sonovabitch one last time, and hung up on him as he begged for forgiveness (at least that was my guess. Betcha 20 bucks I was right.) I think she may have even thrown her phone across the room onto a pillow or something.
She jumped off me, lifted the towel and told me to roll over on my back.
Was I going to say no?
She threw the towel in a basket and started playing with my cock. Which got hard pretty much immediately.
It wasn't a particularly sexy situation. Maybe my cock liked that this seemed to be a Femdom thing? I was naked - she was not. She was in a bitchy mood, and started fondling my cock because she was paid to, but her grabbing and tugging was a bit violent. She was venting her anger and frustration at whatever it that poor bastard called her about.
Then she snapped out of it.
She remembered she had a job to do, and began really paying attention to my cock. Why? Because she loved me and wanted to make me happy? My guess was 'no'. I'm guessing she wanted to get this over with so she could get the fuck out of there (I was the last guy there. It was right before they closed.)
At that point, her actions became less about venting rage and more about 'Ok. Let's get this the FUCK OVER with.'
She didn't say that, but had she spoken truthfully, that was what she would have said. Probably.
And honestly? I was cool with it. My thoughts were something like 'Yes. Let's get this the fuck over. I'm wound up now, and I MUST blow my load so I can move on with my life.... So... Let's work together and finish this the fuck up. It's shitty it has to be this way, but hey... I'm a human dude... And... What the fuck, we're all adults here, do I really need to explain this?'
Even if I had said any of that, it wouldn't have mattered. She was thinking along the same lines. Probably.
And like the fucking expert she was - she watched me. Eye contact was intense. She watched my face.
I'm guessing she saw my eyelid twitch just a tiny bit as she squeezed my cock on the sides. She added a little bit of a wrist twist at the end, and could see the way my cheeks pulled back ever so slightly. She saw my mouth involuntarily open just a bit as she worked my cock to the left a little. She could see my head tilt back just a little bit when she used her other hand to cradle my scrotum.
Like an expert poker player, she saw ALL my 'tells' and KNEW EXACTLY how to play me. She rejected what didn't work, and maximized what did, stroking and tugging my cock perfectly like some sort of maestro. Like she was the Mozart of hand jobs.
I blew my load all over my stomach QUICKER than I EVER HAVE from a handie. EVER.
Believe me... I'm not new getting handies. Over the decades, I've gotten many (this was the first I ever paid for). But this one was THE BEST... THE most efficient... most pleasurable handie EVER, Ever. I'm not kidding.
And she knew exactly how to milk it... knowing how to prolong things to extract every last pump. She knew when to ease up and just taper off gently and stop.
She grabbed a hot, moist towel and began cleaning my spew off of my torso and kept telling me how 'studdly' I was and how much I 'was like bull' and how nice my cock was, but really I think she wanted to get the fuck out of there...
So she could go home and beat the bare ass of the poor bastard who called her to tell her the bad news. Or that he fucked up. Or whatever the fuck he told her.
It wouldn't have surprised me one bit if she got home and ordered him to get naked, bend over and grab his ankles. I'm guessing she made him present his bare ass to her, just so she could beat it with a bamboo cane. Or made him spread is legs so she could smash his balls with a wok. Or something.
Maybe I'm projecting?
Anyway...
So... I got dressed and I got back in the Uber driver's car and ate a few THC laden chocolates, which the Uber driver drove me to a shop to buy before the Asian knob job encounter. Those damn things were potent and kicked in almost immediately.
The Uber driver apologized to me. "I'm soooooo sorry. I took you to the wrong place. The guy I know who usually arranges this gave me the wrong address. Anyway, how was it?" she asked.
"Eh. Pretty interesting, " I said as the THC started kicking in. "Hey, are you hungry? Wanna get Asian food? I'm buying."
She drove us to her favorite I told her Korean BBQ and I told her the story as we ate.
Epilogue:
When I got back home I told the story to friends who I thought would find it funny.
As I finished telling my wife and her female cousin (who found it hilarious) my wife gave me the 'evil side eye' and asked dryly, "Did I give you permission to get a hand job?"
Her cousin stared at me with a little smiles on her face. Except my wife was pissed. Or at least pretending she was pissed. (She wasn't actually pissed because we were poly. Or at least she was poly. Or something.)
"Well, ummm... " I stammered,"I don't think... I mean... I didn't... Ummm."
"Three months," she said casually.
"What?" It was either me or her cousin who asked that.
"Three months in chastity. Orgasm privileges are revoked," she said even with an even more caviler tone.
Her cousin started laughing. A lot. Apparently her cousin had heard pretty much all of the Female Led Relationship we started, and heard lots of stories about my penis being locked in chastity.
Stupidly, I protested, "WHAT? Wait! I thought it was ok because..."
"Four months," she said. "Do you need five? Or how about six?"
I just clenched my teeth and bit my lip.
Her cousin was quite amused.
"Go. Get locked up right now, and come back to give me the key when you are locked. Plus, I want to check. You have 15 minutes."
That was an... interesting... four months. But I guess that's another post.
