Domspeak Forums Discussions Lobby Is it Cheating?

A recent thread inspired me to start this topic. Is it cheating for a married man to see a dominatrix and hide it from his wife? Most of my clients, over the years, were married. Some times their girlfriends or wives were fine with it but, most of the time, not. I've been on both sides of the issue. From a dom stand point, I can't hang the cheating label on it. My client base were good people and devoted family men. They were hardwired to need the bdsm release now and then. Without it, they'd probably be cranky. The alternative would be to encourage their spouse to engage and be facilitate something they probably couldn't understand or have any interest in. On the other hand, my late husband, who was fully allowed to session with my involvement and approval of the dom, once did sessions with someone and hid it from me. I didn't find out until after he was gone. It cut like a knife in my heart. I did also learn that he stopped doing this because it started to bother him that he was hiding it from me. So, there is that. It brought me to see both sides. But, overall, when someone is hardwired that way, they will either seek it out privately or never be happy. At tbe end of the day, I believe as long as a man is devoted to his family, sneaking away a little here and there for a femdom/no sex session isn't a bad thing.

I like your view on this. It would be a travesty for my marriage if my wife found out. If she could under the entire picture, it would be different. But that isn't the case.

My fiance' thought so when she discovered that I had been doing sessions for years without her knowing. It was a mess and nearly cost me the love of my life. We ended up getting back together but it was a month of hell thinking she was gone for good. When she came to understand that there was no sex involved it made things better. It was the lies that bothered her more than anything. She allows me to have sessions when I travel for business. It is a don't ask, don't tell agreement.

There was a trend for a while of Dommes refusing to see married men. At least, that is what they put on their websites and social media accounts. It was stupid. How would they know if they were married anyway? The Domme I was serving at the time laughed it off. She said it was none of her business what her clients lives were like outside of their business transaction with her. I'm very much out when it comes to my lifestyle. It is more than just paying for sessions. I take my servitude seriously. If the opportunity presented itself, I could see myself marrying a female submissive and serving the same Domme together. I wouldn't put myself in a situation to hide anything but pass no judgement on those who do.

First off imo cheating is in the eye of the beholder. There’s so many different lines and degrees and scenarios I can’t even begin to list them all. Some may agree with me and some may not. Thats the point. It’s complicated and everyone is different and entitled to define cheating as they wish.

Having said the above I’m married I feel I am cheating when I see a ProDomme once in awhile but I also feel it’s not to the same degree as someone having an emotional and physical affair with someone outside his marriage. For me I’ve always been good at compartmentalising. Tbh I wish I wasn’t wired this way but I don’t feel a whole lot of guilt over seeing a ProDomme or even a FSSW. I see plenty of guys who cheat with a neighbour, co-worker, acquaintance etc with varying degrees of emotional connection and commitment and I know I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to handle the turbulence ,lying and juggling that would come with it. I don’t need those kind of complications in my life. I don’t really judge people for doing this unless their behavior is causing harm to their wife or kids or something along those lines.

One last thing I’ve wondered about is the question of where and when monogamy became the norm in society and is it even natural to human beings. I’ve heard scraps of different things but haven’t read much about this and do not know.

I'm very fortunate to have a wife who enjoys FemDom too. We session 2 to 3 times a year together. It must be difficult to be in a situation where you have to hide it. Have you see many couples? Is that unusual?

It is far from the norm but an occasional request. From what I hear from my younger dom friends who still session, it is becoming more common than what I experienced. One session that stands out is when a regular client of mine asked if he could bring his wife along. She had discovered that he was having sessions and wanted to understand more about it and know that he was safe. He wanted her to come into the dungeon with us and even participate. She wasn't comfortable with that so I logged her onto my computer so she would have something to do for the next hour. She was very pleasant and open to considering her husband could continue to have sessions and their marriage continue to be a happy one. Surprisingly, I never heard from him again. I've wondered how things went for them.

Your views are similar to mine on the topic. Occasional sessions but keeping your family as a priority is not like sneaking off to be romantic and holding their hand in hand in the park. As far as when it became normal for humans to be monogamous, that is curious. It does come natural to most people. I'm very much monogamous. With my late husband, as long as I knew and approved of the dom he was seeing, usually picking her out myself and taking care of the pre-session conversation, it didn't feel like cheating at all. It was actually fun to send a sealed letter with him to the dom and his knowing that she and I conspired on what his session would consist of.

I don't think this is a question where we can apply social mores or rules of polite society. It's ours to decide and to balance our interests with the possible consequences. No relationships are the same.

If someone comes with his wife once to show her what it was about then never returns, I'd say that his wife had some effect on that fact.

Who knows what.

But things changed.

Maybe he wanted to make a change: not necessarily consciously but somehow he put out enough info to make his wife aware that something was going on. It may not even be about bdsm. Seeing her husband naked in front of a fabulous looking woman could easily be enough to change everything.

It's like the title of that website, "limited audience". A Domme has to handle an infinite array of interests. If her husband dressed up as Little Bo Peep and sang the libretto from Pirates of Penzance while standing barefoot on frozen lamb chops, she might react one way, but seeing him tied to a post being whipped may be another thing.

But how would she react?

Maybe she had bad deeams about sheep and was more upset with that than seeing corporal punishment being applied. I mean look what it did to Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs... Or maybe, on the other hand, that Selina Kyle catsuit with the whip she wore last Halloween could take on a new significance.

Who knows. I barely know what's going on in my head and haven't a clue how anyone else processes info.

A Domme once asked me when she was upset with me for reasons known only to her that if I am a masochist, isn't emotional pain as significant as physical pain? She quickly retreated from that position but I will never forget it. Transferring the application of physical pain from a Domme to emotional pain from his wife may have been his pinnacle of endorphin flow and exactly what he wanted.

Having lived the lifestyle and dabbled in the profession, I can relate to everything you are saying. It is different for everyone. No one really knows what emotional impact it will have on them or if it will long or short term. My girl, who will soon be my wife, is a submissive in play situations. I'm a switch. We've seen each other through it all. I have stopped bottoming in front of her because it changes the dynamic in our relationship. It is not text book. Emotions are involved. We find people that can ride that wave with us or not.

Your husband was a lucky man.