Domspeak Forums Discussions Lobby Moving Through Comfort Zones

Have you found yourself loving activities that you once thought you'd never engage in? Strap on, G/S and ball busting were on my "No list," first starting out. Come to find out, I really liked all of these things. I think of it as a putting a frog in a boiling pan of water and it will jump right out. Put it in a cold pan of water, on a slow simmer, and it's body temperature will adjust. That is how it was for me as a young woman coming into my comfort zones as a dom. A personal slave came across an interview I had done for one of the NYC publications in which I listed my limits of all of the above. He was laughing as he said, "Mistress, is this really your interview?" He thought it was the funniest thing. It is interesting how we get curious and then go from one room to the next. Before you know it, we are hosting a party on the roof top. What has your experience been like?

Receiving strap on was a hard limit for me. It was more of the ego aspect than being uncomfortable. During a session with my Domme, things got heated. We were both deep in the head space when she put on her strap on and started taunting me with it. She leaned over me and whispered, "I will just put the tip in." We all know what that means. Something about the way she said it got me going. Skip ahead about six months and I'm happily getting tag teamed by her and two other Dommes, in full view, at a party.

My wife and I play light in comparisons to others. It was all a slow progression through comfort zones there. But, when ya fall in love with a beautiful woman everything suddenly ends up on the table. It was venturing out to parties associating with other people that was hard for me. It was like walking into someone's bedroom or inviting them into yours that hung me up. Once that ice was broken, it was freeing for both me and my wife. We enjoy our occasional parties. I've gotten used to seeing nude people walking around casually. I haven't played in public yet. I don't want anyone galking at my wife. We are moving through the zones though. I don't know where will end up but the ride has been fun.

Well, in the heat of moment, things can change. :-)

It is quite a bit to cross boundaries with your personal and fetish life. It is good that you and your wife are taking it slowly. Congrats, btw. I remember you posting about this when you were just dating.

I went at it with open arms. Growing up in such a restricted religious household might have had something to do with that. Now that I am older, the learning process is over.

I sought out Christianity as a child. My parents were not Christians, although that changed later in life for them. I recruited half of our family only to leave the faith in my late 20's. The first two things I did, in order, was watch Monty Phyton's The Life of Brian and become a professional dominatrix. I still had nagging feelings about boot or foot "Worship." I asked my clients to call it adoration. Strap on was a huge no, mainly because of my Christian roots. Then, one day, I was at a fellow dom's studio for a guest appearance and video. She talked me into one. That was it. I loved having 10" inches that I could dominate people with and take it off when I was done. I also had a hard time with heavy corporal. As a practicing dom, in the early days, I was a light to medium player. That changed too. Funny how it takes some of us a while to move through zones and some of us run to it. I love your confidence though. It is inspiring.

Cheyenne, I enjoyed your post on how you moved through your own stages of being increasingly comfortable with increasingly intense play. I was under the impression that Dommes had little difficulty in ramping up their play styles since they were not on the receiving end of the play. I can see now how narrow minded that attitude was, as I imaging it was emotionally challenging to physically hurt or engage in play that society might find abusive and abnormal. I can see where it would take some time and experience for a Domme to feel comfortable in that role.

I certainly worked my way through my own comfort zone over time. My first play experiences consisted of light bondage, NT and some light CBT. Over time the NT and CBT became intense, including play piercing and heavy electrical play. I think more importantly I developed great trust in the Dommes I was seeing, one a very experienced professional and one one personal RL. Each of them encouraged me to expand my play and to be open to new things. That led to anal and strap on play, very heavy bondage, GS and impact play (flogging, paddling and single tail). Every time I tried something new, I loved it and am now greedy for new experiences. I have a short list of things I would like to experience. Of course while my play activities became more intense, so did my trust and adoration for the 2 amazing Ladies. I wanted to do what they suggested because I trusted them implicitly and desperately wanted to please them.

Another influence in moving through my comfort zone was a gift from another amazing Domme. I played a number of time with Mistress Troy Orleans. MTO wanted her subs to play with a positive attitude. She called this playing from YES, and MTO had a very well written blog post on her website defining what that meant to her. While I have not played with her in some time, I still to this day try to always remember her advice to be open to new experiences and to give your Domme the gift of playing from an attitude of YES!

I think we subs move through our comfort zone incrementally and into more intense play when we feel safe, unjudged and connected to our trusted Dommes. At least that's how it has been for me !

Thanks for starting an interesting thread, I have enjoyed the comments.

I posted this recently on a male/female session, in response to a specific question. That question will be obvious as the story moves along.

I'll call her the Goddess. We met around 2002 when I found the old wb270.com site and began seeing female bodybuilders. I was a regular of hers until one of her last U.S. trips in 2009. She was a bodybuilder back then and a full dominatrix and is one of the most gorgeous and strong Amazons I have ever met. She's from central Europe, jet black hair, my height (around 6 ft. 1 in.) and she listed herself as something like 44DDD-26-36. Plus her muscles were then, probably still are, impressive.

We always did a form of "You Amazon Queen, Me captured Tarzan," role play, which involved quasi-non competitive wrestling. (I say "quasi" because at times "Tarzan" might briefly get the upper hand... very briefly.) She is imaginative and creative, with a great sense of humor and costuming. I probably saw her once a year or so, and we developed a great chemistry, exchanging an occasional email or phone call. I didn't see her for a year and a half at one point, and in that time I lost weight and was working out regularly. I made the appointment when she was in town and didn't tell her about my training. It was summer and I went there in shorts, golf shirt and sandals. She opened the door, was in shock, and threw me against the wall and pinning me there, asking questions and ordering me to strip. We began wrestling and it was getting more and more sensual. She pinned me against the wall and suddenly slid down and pleasured me for four or five seconds, which was astounding given her strict demeanor. She looked up and smiled, saying, "Do you want me to use a strap on?" I politely said no, she was fine with that, and I was then allowed to pleasure myself while she posed and talked trash to me.

After that, as only a dumb, horny middle aged guy can be (Diana was in her mid 30s and I was around 50) that we might get at least slightly intimate during our next session. Wrong. Diana used my lust against me mentally and physically when I wanted to orally pleasure her, resisting and reminding me that she was the Mistress and I was just her "jungle pet." As I left that session and got into my car I couldn't figure out how I could have been so wrong?

Finally it hit me. I immediately called her, thanking her for another wonderful session but I had to find out what her story was. I came up with something diplomatic like, "You're so gorgeous and strong... really unique. You are a perfect combo of female sex appeal and male muscular power." She was silent for several seconds. I thought I was in trouble. She finally laughed, saying, "You're the only sub who ever guessed." I thought she meant being a trans woman. But as I learned later, and she revealed via interviews in her own country, she was born intersex. That means people who do not fit typical binary notions of male or female bodies. By all outward appearances she was all woman. Upon hearing the news this middle aged straight guy was not horrified that I was horny over someone like Diana.

I saw her a two more times after that revelation and she became more intimate with me, but I was still her sub. If she was still coming to the U.S. for sessions I'd probably see her again. Have I ever sought out a trans woman or intersex person since? The Goddess that I served was, in my eyes and my feelings, all woman. It taught me a lot about myself and sexuality in general.

Thank you. It is nice to be able to reflect and share our experiences with people of a like mind. Troy Orleans and I have mutual friends. I've heard so many wonderful things about her. One of these days, I need to meet her.

It makes complete sense to trusting your dom and having a good rapport. For me, activities came to be secondary to the chemistry in the room.

Most definitely over around 40 years it’s been a steady expansion of things I never imagined myself doing becoming reality. Too many activities to list. I’ve always liked to have my limits pushed and I’m easy to push is one reason. I’ve got extreme fantasies and I’ve seen some great Dommes who could read me and weren’t afraid to push. I was always fantasised about but refrained from ballbusting because of fear of injury but got into it in my 60s and tbh I’ve been very surprised by how much I could take.

Reading someone with extreme fantasies is a huge part of play. I had a frequent client you had extreme fantasies. These were activities that weren't reasonable or safe. So, I talked about them, when he was in deep sub space, instead. We'd laugh about it afterwards. I liked this client a lot. If we had met in college, we would have been in trouble. LOL.

Mistress, I know what you mean. I was 20 and in college when I met the legendary Mistress Belle De Jour and had my first session. After it was over she asked me about going to a sex club in Manhattan (maybe it was Plato's Retreat in the '70s, not sure) and be her Tarzan in a session with her for all to see. The mind boggles at what road I might have taken if I had said yes. LOL! At my very mature age now, as I have posted before, I'm far more open today to activities I would have never dreamed of in my 20s.

Had a session with my Mistress this week, just when her storage facility opened, and we closed the door, whispered and sessioned there for the fourth or fifth time in a year. Face slapping, humping and just about face sitting and ass worship were on the menu. (She has a battery operated light inside the room so we can see when the door is shut.) The past couple of summers we have sessioned outdoors - on the NYC waterfront, parks and industrial/construction sites - usually around dawn on Sundays. Once we did a mini-session in a wooded cemetery in the city, but never went back. At least not yet. I'm at the point of going "one step beyond" and go half naked and worship her strap on or take GS in one of those outdoor places. Yes, risky and extreme... but I have an appetite for it now. We'll see.

I’ve had hundreds of sessions by now and I’ve seen a hundred dommes. Almost all were good or even great! But four were/are special. The great long-retired Mistress Brianna of DC was the first domme I saw over and over again—for 12 years. She is the one who truly taught me the good and bad about BDSM. She was so talented! I learned to appreciate electrical with her and heavier bondage and sensual torment with her than I ever imagined. Overlapping her by a few years, I saw Scarlett Devine and a wrestler-domme for about 10 years. Scarlett taught me to try appreciate role-play, which the wrestler-domme who came a little later reinforced. The latter challenged me physically like no one else — she literally used and abused me in ways so incredibly erotic and at times painful that I could barely walk and function after seeing her. I never thought I’d want that but I became instantly so addicted. If others knew what she did to me they would be very jealous. But I never told and we repeated over and over for a decade. My current domme—for almost 15 years—may be the greatest of them all. I trust her so completely I’d try almost anything with her. She has taught me to love foot worship, some anal play, including experimenting with strap-on (though it’s still baby steps there), and especially intense nipple torture where I’ve learned I have a true masochistic streak. I had never wanted Brianna to hurt my nipples—I wish she would come back for one day for her to enjoy that with me now! With my current domme, I can submit for hours and it never gets old. She has infinite patience to do what she wants for as long as she wants and amazingly never tires. She’s the most remarkable domme I’ve ever known and I can’t imagine I could ever know one who could be greater! I feel so fortunate to have had these fantastic women in my life!

You've had such great experiences. I think of Brianna from time to time and wonder how she is doing. She was such a remarkable person and fantastic dom. Your experiences with Scarlett Devine sound intriguing. You have been a lucky man to have had two such wonderful dom relationships.

I wonder how Brianna is doing, too. I hope she is happy and well.

Oliver, glad you made it over here. That is all you can do when you lose touch with a valued dominatrix, just hope that they are doing well.

I was going to post, what I now think, is a self-serving thread that touches on this issue. There were at least two dominas I saw rather regularly in the mid to late '90s in Manhattan I'd love to know what happened to them. Mistress Paloma, a Latina in her 30s who worked at a dungeon on West 14th St. & 6th Avenue. It might have been called "Leather Ladies," but memories fade. I do know it was part owned by Mistress Belle De Jour, who I knew since the '70s when I was a college kid. She told me she'd be perfect for my "jungle" roleplay and, as usual, Belle was correct. I'll just say that Paloma looked like a curvier, sexier and more gorgeous version of Jennifer Lopez, with a wonderful dominant attitude. Mistress Tyra worked out of an apartment dungeon with Mistress Lissette, who had a print & online ads. Tyra was a tall brunette, a little bit like "fashion model meets Bettie Page." Mysterious, assertive and one of the last Mistresses to ask me if she could train a potential new Mistress in our session. (That happened to me four times with three different Mistresses... very lucky.)

Looking back, some of the Mistresses I served really enjoyed doing it. Others came and went to support themselves, but were good at it. I only hope that all of them I met are all happy and healthy now since they gave me plenty of enjoyment and memories.

JBeast,

Your mentioning Mistress Lissette bought back some great memories for me. I sessioned with her a number of times and she was just fantastic in every way. She had a real gift for connecting with me, and told me some things about my life and attraction to BDSM that were just so right on pint. She was gifted in ways that went beyond her skills as a Dominatrix and had an endless supply of positive energy. I loved seeing her and was very disappointed when she retired and moved on with her life. I hope she is doing well and living a good life.

Mistress Lissette was one of a kind. I was fortunate enough to see her shortly before she retired.

Cheyenne, you have the greatest questions! I was uncomfortable with 'electro-play' in the early years. After much practice, I was finally confident enough in my abilities to administer a 'zap' here and there. But, I think the biggest change has been my attitude. In the beginning of my career, I felt the need to be very stern and serious at all times with clients. Now, I don't get through an interview or session without laughter. If my client doesn't at least giggle a few times, I feel that the session was lack-luster. Humor is a must for me now.

That is so cool. I can identify. Along those lines, I was very rigid keeping my professional and personal feelings separate. If I got too friendly with someone, I had a hard time seeing them as clients. Somewhere along the line, that changed and it opened up a new very comfortable world for me. To this day, some of my closest personal friends I met as clients.